Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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