Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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