mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Randomize
