can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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