just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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