We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
