just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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