my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
