dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
