I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
