I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
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