Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Ketchup is God's man juice
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
