I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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