my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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