I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize