I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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