fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
