Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
