also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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