Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
