her vagina looked like bernie madoff
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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