I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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