Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
