I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
