I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Randomize
