I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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