"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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