I haven't been this sober since birth.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
