I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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