I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Randomize
