Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
