I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
