I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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