I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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