the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
