I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
