So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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