Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
