Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
