just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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