Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
