Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
