We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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