It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
don't judge my taste in strippers
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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