why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
