I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
