I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
fuck your aforementioned shoe
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
