I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
