Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
