as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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