I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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