I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
