Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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