Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
