shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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