dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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